What Is Burnout, Really? The Myths Exhausted Women Are Told (and the trust we don’t say out loud)
You go to bed early. And you think, ‘finally, I’ll get the rest I need, and tomorrow I’ll feel like myself again.’ But even after 9 hours of sleep, you wake up, once again, feeling like a sandbag with a hole in it, continuously drained of energy.
Unfortunately, you are not alone. There are hundreds of thousands of women with similar stories of feeling exhausted, worn down, and spread thin. I include myself in this troop of walking zombies. No matter how much sleep, how much coffee I drank, or how much I got done, it never felt like enough to fill the energy-deprived, endless pit riddling my body. Then I got sick. I was forced to rest. This gave me clarity and space from the obligations I felt chained to, and I asked, ‘Why am I so damn tired all the time?’
In this article, I'm going to dismantle the most common myths about burnout — and offer you a deeper truth that might finally make sense of what you're experiencing.
First, what is burnout?
The World Health Organization's recognition of burnout as an occupational phenomenon rather than a medical condition or disease. It describes burnout using three characteristics: feeling exhausted or drained, detachment or cynicism, or some might call ‘jaded’, and A decreased sense of accomplishment or effectiveness at work. WHO also explains that burnout is strictly related to the workplace and not to caregiving. I would argue that this is where the first myth of burnout comes in.
In my work with exhausted women, I've come to define burnout as a state of chronic depletion caused by sustained disconnection from your own needs, values, and inner voice—not simply by doing too much or a lack of sleep.
In her book, Emotional Labor: The emotional work shaping our lives and how to claim our power, journalist Rose Hackmandescribes in detail how the little things we, especially as women, have to manage day to day add up to what can only be described as burnout. In the book's synopsis, Hackman writes,
“A stranger insists you 'smile more,' even as you navigate a high-stress environment or grating commute. A mother is expected to oversee every last detail of domestic life. A nurse works on the front line, worried about her own health, but has to put on a brave face for her patients. A young professional is denied promotion for being deemed abrasive instead of placating her boss. Nearly every day, we find ourselves forced to edit our emotions to accommodate and elevate the emotions of others. Too many of us are asked to perform this exhausting, draining work at no extra cost, especially if we’re women or people of color.”
Burnout doesn't only happen at work — it happens in motherhood, caregiving, and the invisible labor of being a woman who holds everything together.
Reading Hackman’s book, I could feel every word in my bones. I found myself wanting to shout at the pages, “Stop! Don’t do another thing! Take a break before it’s too late!” Reading this book was a turning point for me. For the first time, I felt like someone was talking about this hidden world inside my head that I never talked about and couldn’t really describe. I could finally see a reflection of myself on those pages, and it made me want to dive deeper into what it means to hear my own voice, trust my own wisdom, and support other women in doing the same.
Here are five myths we’re told or believe about burnout and the deeper truth about them:
Myth # 1:Burnout just means you need more rest.Deeper truth: Rest alone doesn't restore someone who has lost connection to herself. Sleep can't replenish what chronic self-abandonment depletes. When all we can hear is everyone else’s voices over our own, and we try to take care of everything else before ourselves, it’s like rubbing sandpaper on our own skin, eroding our self-worth and personal values. This is not only depleting, but it can also cause physical pain and eventual health problems.
Mayo Clinic, in an article titled Job Burnout: How to spot it and take action, links burnout to health conditions such as heart disease, type 2 diabetes, weakened immunity, and sleep disruption.
Myth #2: Burnout is a sign you're weak or can't handle your life.Deeper truth: Burnout is a sign you've been incredibly strong for far too long — often for everyone except yourself.
Why does the individual take the brunt of figuring it all out on their own? I recently saw this great quote, ‘When a flower doesn’t bloom, we fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower.’ I love this statement, and it makes me wonder, who can’t we hold this truth for each other, too? I would also add that we don’t expect the flower to fix itself! Humans are connective beings. We grow and thrive in community, relying on each other for support. Support isn’t weakness either, and that’s an article for another day.
Myth #3: Burnout is caused by doing too much.Deeper truth: It's caused by doing too much of what doesn't align with who you are — while silencing your own needs in the process.
What is your truth? What do you hold deeply as who you are? What are your values? If you’re not sure, there is an awesome resource I have used myself for discovering what your values are called the Core Values Assessment. It’s a free online program you go through to discover what’s really important to you. At the end of the assessment, there is a paid report, but you don’t have to sign up for that to see your core values.
If you don’t want to explore that way, just ask yourself, ‘What’s really important to me?’
Myth #4: Burnout will go away once things slow down.Deeper truth: External circumstances rarely slow down on their own. There really is no arrival point of ease. Ease is something we have to create. Recovery requires internal recalibration — relearning to hear your own voice beneath the noise of everyone else's asks, demands, needs, wants, and requirements.
Let me ask you something—what are you really here for? Why are you on this little blue planet spinning around the sun? What gifts are your inner wisdom just waiting to share with you? What does your true self really want?
Myth #5: Burnout is a productivity problem.Deeper truth: Burnout is an identity problem. It's what happens when a woman has spent so long responding to what everyone else needs that she no longer knows what she needs.
Another productivity tip, a book or a program isn’t going to make you ‘better’ at juggling all the many tasks you’ve taken on. Here’s a hard question I had to finally ask myself: Why am I so busy all the time? What am I avoiding? And, once it’s aaaalllll done, what do I wish would happen?
My truth is that I was avoiding looking at my own life. I had filled my life up with ‘things,’ and my home felt cluttered and messy. And when I stopped long enough to look at where I had arrived in my life so far, I didn’t like the path I had taken. I was disappointed that I hadn’t followed an artistic prompting and, instead, made making money a priority. I longed for my musical muse to sing and write songs. I was heartbroken. It was like mourning a death to realize I had missed out on taking my musical prowess seriously.
It’s not easy to stop our busy lives and really look at ourselves, but it’s also the only way to move forward and free ourselves from being totally stuck in a quagmire. Pain exists for a reason. It has an important message for us, and until we listen, it will persist and grow until it’s given the attention it needs. When we finally give ourselves that much-needed attention, we are freed from its grip. We can finally slow down and make a difference choice.
Burnout isn't a breakdown; it's a signal.
This signal is telling your body and soul, "We've drifted too far from ourselves." The path out of burnout isn't a better morning routine — it's a return to self.
In their book, Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, Sisters Emily Nagoski, PhD, and Amelia Nagoski, DMA, have some excellent tools for managing stress, dealing with frustration, accepting ourselves despite the pressures on women to fit a physical ideal, and how rest, human connection, and befriending our inner critic can support our recovery from burnout. They also have a workbook as a companion to support women in understanding what’s expected of them, what it’s really like to exist as a woman in today’s world, and how we’re constantly trying to close that gap.
All of these tools return us to one thing — building a relationship with ourselves.
You’ve probably been asked, ‘would you treat your friend the way you treat yourself?’ It’s such an annoying question. And I think we can say confidently that if our friend constantly ignored us, didn’t listen, or really didn't see us, we wouldn’t be friends for long. So, although an eye-rolling question, it brings to mind this idea of being kind to ourselves. Giving ourselves grace. And most importantly, feeling like we can trust ourselves.
What do you really want to get out of your time here on Earth? What do you truly want to experience?
I personally don’t believe I’m here on Earth just to try and be the perfect errand runner, dinner cooker, house cleaner, volunteer, or grocery getter. All things I have agonized over, and even cried about, when I’ve made a mistake! Seriously, what in the world? All in the name of being loved, belonging, being appreciated, on and on. But that’s not WHO I am. And those aren’t the only experiences I want to have in this one precious life.
Our relationship with ourselves is the most important relationship we can develop in our lifetime.
It is the vehicle for rich, fulfilling experiences! For stepping into and showing up as the empowered woman we dream of being!
A relationship is built on trust and connection. Listening to our own inner voice first, being kind to ourselves when we aren’t perfect, and actually exhibiting human attributes, we build trust with ourselves, which allows our inner wisdom and guidance to lead our lives in a beautiful way that works exactly as they're meant to. It gives us the trust and confidence to make space for rest, creativity, enjoyment, and the deep, meaningful work we know we are meant for.
Burnout is the result of abandoning ourselves, and building a relationship with the incredible and whole person you are is the antidote.
Brave Lace is a trauma, disability & chronic illness-informed life coach for exhausted women and founder of Vital Accord, LLC. Her work helps women silence the noise of everyone else's expectations so they can finally hear their own voice — and build a life they actually chose.
A two-time Paralympic medalist, World Champion Alpine ski racer, and two-time kidney transplant recipient, Brave coaches from lived experience — not theory. She's also a songwriter, mountain biker, dedicated dog mom, and advocate for mental health, conservation, and trail access in Wisconsin.
She helps women stop living by "should" — and start living by self.
